Is it just me?
I have to admit that I have pretty high expectations and dreams of how my holidays go. If you ask my friends and family, everyone knows I love Christmas so much that we keep our Christmas pajamas in rotation all year around. If I’m being perfectly honest, I still have my Christmas blanket out just to keep the magic going a little longer. So, yes when it comes to Mother’s Day it is very hard to keep my expectations in check. However, over the years, I’ve learned a few things.
Expecting too much?
I am probably the last person on earth to think that anything of a good thing is “too much,” but sometimes just sometimes I do catch myself re-evaluating. “Did I expect too much?” I think often times we might feel like entitled to expect what we expect, which is completely 100% understandable and totally fine. We are entitled to think what we want, feel what we want and expect what we want. That’s not the actual problem. The problem beings when our expectations aren’t met and when reality just falls short of what we had set our hearts on. Then, that’s when the storytelling happens. I’ll explain shortly.
Troubleshoot
Let’s troubleshoot this scenario. Okay, so you were expecting flowers, a gift and some homemade cards from your kid(s). And, if your kid is too little to do these things, the you expected your husband to be thinking about you and make this holiday extra special for you by doing the things we mentioned above – on his own. Maybe even get a little handprint of the baby or dress the baby up in a cute outfit and take a happy Mother’s Day photo for your handwritten (and printed photo) card.
Are you reading this and thinking “OK, my husband wouldn’t do these things!” Well, guess what! You’re not alone. Mine too. He would not even think of doing these things because well….he’s not me. These are the ideas that I thought of. These are the things that I think would be fun and cute. His idea of fun is not getting the baby to make a handprinted card for me. LOL.
Are you starting to see what I see? My expectations just don’t align with who I know my husband is. When I zoom out and put the hurt, disappointment and sadness aside, I can clearly see that I set myself up for disappointment. I expected all these things and here’s the kicker – I didn’t communicate any of it.
I expected him to also be a mind reader. =P My husband is not a psychic. He already has difficulty with clear instructions (you know this if you’ve ever sent your husband to the grocery store with a list of items only to receive the same number of phone calls as the number of items on your list. what a coincidence!) So, why did I ever think that they (my husband and kids) would just know?
Managing your stories
Once our expectations aren’t met, then we start with the stories in our head. You might know some of the storylines.
“They don’t love me”
“Nobody appreciates me”
“Motherhood is a thankless job”
“All I’m asking for is this one day and they can’t even do that!”
I mean when you’re in the moment, feeling upset and unappreciated, it’s easy to run with any one of these storylines and completely 100% believe that it’s true. I get it. I’ve been there. Maybe a little too often (prior to coaching =P)
Clients often say something that they believe to be so shocking or hurtful, but when I don’t have nearly the same reactions or response that they have, they’re probably wondering “Ummm excuse me, did you hear what I just said?” They may never ask like that, but their faces can’t hide their disbelief.
The reason that I don’t have the same reaction is because I’m not reading the same storyline that they’re reading. They crafted this “Nobody appreciates me” storyline so well that their brain constantly looks for evidence to support this story. However, for me, when I coach and hold space, this storyline isn’t true for me. I hold a neutral, safe space with no judgement, which allows me to see through their story with a lens of curiosity and wonder.
All this to say, it is hard. I suggest just sitting with your feelings. Give yourself the space to just allow the feeling of sadness, hurt, disappointment to run its course. The more we avoid or resist, the more it persists. Then, ask yourself “what am I making this mean?” that typically helps you uncover a part of your storyline that you can get curious about.
Compassion and Gratitude
Maybe this Mother’s Day didn’t go so well. Maybe you were super disappointed and upset – let’s be honest this all comes from wanting to feel loved, appreciated and supported. This is something we can all agree on.
If someone hasn’t told you directly, you are doing a great job mama! I see the way you take care of your family and expect nothing in return (except on Mother’s Day just kidding!) In all serious though, motherhood is not for the faint-hearted. It is the hardest job out there. Raising good little humans all the while trying to be a good human yourself. It’s a lot and you’re doing it all. You’re doing your best and that’s enough!
I hope you remember to show yourself some compassion. Some compassion for having expectations. Some compassion for wanting more. Some compassion for feeling sad. No shaming. No judging. Just compassion for yourself and for your husband and kids who just need a little direction and insight into your wants and needs. There’s no shame to ask for exactly what you want or need. That’s probably the most loving thing to do for everyone. Loving for your husband and kids, so it takes the guesswork out and loving for you so you get exactly what you want and need the way you want and need.
Lastly, show some gratitude. Research shows that gratitude puts your brain into a positive loop. The more gratitude we redirect our brain to focus on will just help our brain look for more evidence of things to be grateful for. Thus, you will just be on a positive loop and that helps negate the “shoulda woulda coulda” that we all naturally get caught up in. This is why it’s called thought work – because it takes work and effort to retrain your brain and manage your many storylines.
Do-over Day
If you’re still feeling terrible about how your Mother’s Day went down, just do a do-over. If your husband or kids need any ideas, send them my way. I’ll be happy to give them some gift ideas. =) I’m happy to offer gift certificates for 1:1 coaching as well. If you want to see how life coaching can help you, feel free to sign up for a free 1 hour assessment where you’ll walk away with more insight and clarity that’ll help you figure out where you want to spend and invest your energy. Click to schedule.
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